“Oh no! He hooks left. Terrorist!”

Canada. A hotbed of terrorist activities that threatens North American security on a minute-by-minute basis. Remember back in 2001? One of the hijackers on 9/11 came to the USA through Canada. Wait, no he didn’t. We were force fed that to be the truth for eight years and only recently has the claim been retracted.

So why do I feel like the jerk or jerkette asking me to strip each time I go through airport security owes me at least a beer and some pillow talk before I remove the belt buckle and shoes. (Fun Fact: In the last three years I’ve flown domestically six times and all but once I’ve been ‘selected’ for ‘additional’ screening.) Next time if I don’t get a drink, I’m doing a dance.

More importantly, why hasn’t the security gas peddle been let off a bit?

Because a strike could happen at any moment. That terrorist attempt in the USA over the holiday season had nothing to do with Canada. Why should we suffer the consequences? Right, the States says “jump” and instead of appropriately telling them to “go fuck themselves” we respond with “how high?”

Cancer could kill at any moment. The West Coast of North America could slide into the ocean at any moment. Gamma radiation from space could exterminate the planet without a word of warning!

Have we cured cancer? No. Have we relocated Vancouver, Victora, Seattle, Portland and a bunch of other major cities inland? No. Have we built a large radiation shield around the planet? No.

Now we have scanners being put into airports, Parliament is prorogued for a few months and our elected officials get to enjoy the Olympics when a very serious debate about civil liberties and security should be taking place.

Fortunately my boy parts get to be methodically examined each time I get selected for additional screening – or as one security office so eloquently put it, “We’re required to randomly search ‘X’ number of people for every flight and your flight is under-booked.” At least they’re changing the game a little, so instead of being touched, patted by someone I don’t much care for, I get to have radiation hurled at my fleshy pink skin. “Love my tan? I got it at YVR.”

So what’s going to happen after this scan fails to yield fruit? Will they start making excuses “Oh no! He hooks to the left. Terrorist!” Then I get pulled in for additional questioning? “Where are you going?” “Why aren’t you carrying any weapons, you fit the profile!”

I say that while our political leaders are enjoying the subtle rape of British Columbia’s economy we hold an election and not tell them about it, that way when they finally do end up returning to work, they’ll find that the locks on the doors have been changed. And they can be ‘checked for additional screening’ when they fly home to cry about it.